Four Pounds

I honestly didn't even give it my all but I must have done ok because I'm down four pounds. Just goes to show that a few changes can really make a difference.
This week I:
-stopped eating three hours before bedtime.
- added one serving of veggies to all my meals.
- Didn't drink any sodas or fruit juices
- replaced afternoon sweets with fresh fruits and sugar free jello
- went out for brisk walks
- walked to the store several times

Don't get me wrong. I do mess up and give in to temptation more often than I care to admit. I'm only human. But this week I learned that I don't need a huge fizzy drink with my meals or a giant pb&j before bed.

I didn't have much time to work out last week, but hopefully I can get a few workouts in this week.

Four down. Fifty six more to go.

1 Down - 29 To Go

Weight and measurements as of now:

Weight- 185.4 lbs
Waist- 39 "
Thighs- 28 "
Hips- 45 "
Calves-  18 "
Neck- 15 "
Biceps-  14 "

Yesterday I made a blended concoction of power foods. I used kale, spinach, chia seeds, banana, coconut milk and water. Unfortunately, the taste of the kale sort of took over. I need to play with the ratios. I drank it anyway. It was drinkable, but not exactly pleasant. Gave me a good burst of energy, though.

Yesterday I went for a short walk ( about 1.5 miles), it would have been longer except Spring time is really rough on my allergies. I'm still recovering from this tonsilitis too. I look like a zombie right now.

Anyway, I'm on my phone and I don't know how to place the pictures where I want them, so somewhere along this post you will find pictures of a few of my meals. Mostly veggies, with some sort of protein. I tend to use a lot of bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, cucumbers, avocado, hard boiled eggs (no yolk), tilapia, small steaks, etc...

The baby is asleep right now so I'm going to take advantage and do some cleaning.

30 Days

I've always wondered how much weight I could lose in one month if I did nothing but workout and eat clean for 30 days straight. It took me over two months to lose ten pounds, but I wasn't giving it my all and I kept falling off track any time something delicious was around me.
I love food. I love homemade food, I love junk food, I love fast food, I love microwavable junk and things in brightly colored packages and things with insane amounts of sugar, things with cheese and sprinkles and... well, you get it.
The last time I lost forty pounds, which was right after Tyler was born, I was going through withdrawals. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but it's true. I was shaky and anxious, because I couldn't stuff my face silly. I wanted cookies and cake and pizza. As I get older, I can see the consequences of my bad eating habits making themselves more evident. My immune system is at it's weakest, I developed gestational diabetes during my last pregnancy and I'm always tired. I love food, but I refuse to spend what's left of my 20s as a tired schlob who can't keep up with her three (four) crazy boys.
I meant to start this on the first of June, but I managed to start the month with a painful case of tonsilitis. I'm on antibiotics and about 50% better now. Also, bear with me because I am doing this all via my phone as I am currently too "financially challenged" to afford internet.
So, here it goes. I have about 60 lbs to lose. Lets see how close to my goal I can get in 30 days. Just to make it clear, this is just me and some common sense knowledge about health and fitness. No weird, trendy diets or expensive personal trainers. I'll post my beginning stats as soon as baby gives me a minute. Right now he has other plans.

Anyway...

Ready. Set. Go!

Bubbles

Last year around this time I was broken. I'm still broken now, but last year around this time I was holding back tears and forcing myself to smile. It hadn't even been two months since I had lost my Ian and I was looking for ways to get through the days without losing my mind.

I went jogging one day and I saw that the Upland Lemon Festival had begun. I cut my jogging session short, ran back home, got the boys ready and took them to walk around the festival. It wasn't easy for me. I really just wanted to hide in a dark place and cry. I kept picturing myself walking around with my big boys and my little baby in my arms. I was so angry. I was supposed to have a baby with me. My Ian.

Still, I managed to force myself to pretend I was ok. I didn't want my boys to think I didn't want to be there with them. We were walking around looking for kettle corn, when we came across a stand selling bubble guns. Of course, the boys immediately forgot about the kettle corn and begged for a bubble gun of their very own. There were other little boys running around, filling the air with bubbles of all sizes, so I couldn't say no to them. I bought them their bubble guns and watched them as they joined the other little boys. It made me happy to see them smile. And the hundreds of bubbles floating around made me smile, which wasn't an easy thing to do.

I was standing to the side watching the kids play when a group of teenagers walked by. They were fanning the bubbles away from their faces, trying to make their way through, when one of the boys in the group, maybe about 16 or 17 years old, declared very loudly that is the most annoying toy in the world which, apparently, was quite funny to the rest of the group who laughed and glared back at me as if they had just offended me as a parent and a person. I looked at the teenaged boy as he walked away feeling like a hero for not being ashamed to speak his obnoxious, childish mind out loud. I smiled at him, which clearly took him by surprise. I think he expected me to frown and express my disbelief, but my heart was too exhausted from the all the trauma and the pain, so I just smiled.

It's been nearly a year since that day. I know this because the signs for this year's Lemon Festival are all around town. I can't help but wonder if that young man has matured a little since. I wonder if one year is long enough to learn to be kind and humble. I wonder if he would have acted the same way had he known the pain in my heart. I wonder if he knows that I would have gladly purchased three of the "the most annoying toy in the world" for my Ian to join his brothers at the Lemon Festival Bubble Gun Battle of 2013. He'd be a little over a year old. Just old enough to hold the most annoying toy in the world in his tiny hand and watch the bubbles fill the air. He'd be running and playing and exploring.

I wonder.

To the teenaged boy who thought it was cool to be shamelessly mean,

I hope you are well. I hope life doesn't teach you to be nice the hard way, as life often tends to do. I hope you never lose a child. I hope no one ever walks by you and kicks you when you are down. I hope you enjoy your youth thoroughly, because one day you will grow up and realize the world doesn't revolve around the kid with the loudest mouth. I hope that one day you develop an appreciation for annoying toys and it takes you back to when you used play with them. I hope you learn to be sensitive and kind. I hope you spread goodness. I wish you joy. I wish you love.

To my Ian,

I know you'd be saying mama by now. There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't think of you. I miss you so much. There is no way to describe the pain in my heart. I'm going to wonder about you for the rest of my life. What would your voice have sounded like, what color were your eyes, what would your favorite cereal have been.... People tell me God needed you. I don't know if I believe that, because no one could ever need you more than I do. I see your baby brother do things every day that I wish I could have seen you do. I don't know how I am supposed to go through an entire lifetime with this pain in my heart, but I'm doing it. Right now, your brothers need me here on earth, but one day I will join you in heaven and I will hold you and kiss you and tell you how much I've missed you. Until then, send me bubbles, baby boy. I love you like the ocean loves the shore, tiny angel.

Last year around this time, I was broken. I'm still broken, but now I don't have to force myself to smile. I have three beautiful boys on earth and one waiting for me in heaven. More than enough reasons to smile, I think.

Dear Ian

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Ian

Happy birthday to you

 

This is nothing like I pictured your first birthday, angel. This is nothing like I pictured my life. I can't believe it has been a year since I first held your still, tiny body in my arms. And what a year it has been. A year of tears, pain and many life lessons.

 

I woke up at exactly five in the morning today. I was feeding your baby brother when I suddenly realized that it was exactly a year ago at around 5 a.m. when I knew something was wrong. I'll never forget that day. The day my worst nightmare became reality.

 

I clearly remember when the nurse looked me in the eyes and told me you were gone. No! I shouted. I have two babies at home waiting for their little brother. What am I going to tell my babies?! They're waiting for their baby brother. I turned to face the wall and I sobbed like I have never sobbed before.

 

 

 

The contractions were getting worse. I knew you were gone but I was still clinging to hope. Hope that the nurses and doctors were wrong. Hope that they'd take you out and I would hear you cry as you took your first breath. You were so handsome and your skin so warm. You were perfect, but you were gone.

 

I hope you remember how I held you for hours as I took in every feature of your tiny face. I hope you remember all the things I told you, the tears I cried over you, the lullabies I sang to you- the same lullabies I continue to sing for your brothers. I hope you know how much I have missed you this past year. Sometimes I can still smell the scent of your skin on me. When I close my eyes I always see your face. I remember exactly how perfectly your little body fit into my arms.

 

 

 

I have felt sadness many time during my life, but nothing comes close to what I felt the day I said goodbye to you. I held you close for many hours, I sang to you and I told you over and over and over how much I love you. I couldn't believe I would never hold you again. I watched as the nurse wheeled you away in your little bed and I cried and cried as she put your baby blanket over your face before leaving the room.

 

I wish you were here. I wish I could have seen you blow out your first birthday candle today. I miss you. My heart aches for you. I am always going to wonder about you. I have some beautiful pictures of you that a wonderful photographer from a wonderful organization took. I haven't seen the pictures since the day I received the CD in the mail. I can't. I'm not ready. I hope you don't think it's because I don't want to. Your sweet face is engraved in my mind and sometimes I can hardly handle that.

 

One year ago today I lost you, sweet angel and today, one year later, I am sitting here holding your baby brother, wondering if I would have him had I not lost you. I'd give anything to have you with me, but at the same time I can't imagine my life without my Noah-Bear.

 

Thank you, my sweet Ian.  Thank you because you have made me a better person. Because of you I appreciate your brothers so much more and I try not to take a single minute with them for granted.

 

Happy birthday in heaven, my little love. I love you so much and I know one day we will be together again.

 

Love,

            Mommy

 

     

 



Christmas Grief

Usually by this time every year, I am eating, breathing and sleeping Christmas. Sadly, I haven't had the time or the will to buy a tree or pull out any decorations this year. I could sit here and write about how I have been so busy with school and the kids, but I'd be lying.

The truth is I am just not feeling it.

 

A part of me wants to sing Christmas Carols and cover our home with tinsel, but most of me is just sad. I think a lot about what he'd look like by now. My precious boy. I wonder about what his first Christmas would have been like, about the look on his face when his brothers handed him his first present, about the mashed potatoes and soft pieces of biscuit he could have had for dinner on Thanksgiving.

 

This sucks...*sigh*

 

I'm trying, though. I even did something I never though I'd attempt again-

 

 Meet Rocky The Shih Tzu

 

It's been a couple of years since we've tried owning a dog. The last time we tried, our kids just weren't ready and I believe it ended with an overly-loved-by-two-subconciously-rough-toddler-boys pooch and a kid with deep teeth marks on his hand. I swore I just wasn't a dog person and vowed to keep pets as far away from my crazy kids for as long as I could (for the safety of the animals, really). Somehow, we ended up with this little guy and as much as I hate to admit it, (because I'm really not an animal lover) I kinda' like him. He has brought us a lot of smiles and even has us taking daily walks as a family.

 

 

 

And look-

Fall has arrived

 

 

 



I love how the leaves crunch as we walk

 

I can't believe it has been ten months. Last year, at this time, my little angel was tumbling inside me as I counted the days until I got to hold him, so I could look into his eyes and tell him I'm his momma. I got to hold him and I got to tell him, but I never got to look into his eyes....and that just breaks my heart.

 

Grief is such a sad, lonely place. Especially around the holidays. While everyone shops and wraps and decorates and cooks, grievers wonder about that person who should have been there to share the magic. We wonder about our parents and brothers and sisters and uncles and grandparents and children gone too soon. We question if it is OK to smile and forget about the sadness for a second without offending our loved ones in heaven. We think about the memories- good and bad. We hide to cry for a few minutes, so that we can fake a smile for a few hours. We all know we aren't alone in our sadness, yet the solitude we feel is overwhelming.

 

I'm sorry if you are hurting this holiday season. Please know you aren't alone. I'm thinking of you. I share your pain. I'm praying for you. It's going to be ok. One day at a time.

 

 Cry. Breathe. Smile.

I will too.

 

Sweet precious angel, I love you with all of who I am. I think about you, I dream about you, I feel you near. Momma will never forget those 39 amazing weeks and those few hours I got to hold you, feel you and sing you the same lullabies I sing to your brothers. Thank you for picking me.

Your entire life took place inside me. I am so lucky.

Fly high, blue cherub.

I love you.

 

 





The Gift of Peace of Mind

Today started pretty bad. I had been up most of the night tossing and turning, unable to get into a comfortable position. I suppose it doesn't matter when you have to empty your bladder six to eight times a night.....or when there is a tiny person beating the heck outta your guts from the inside. Not gonna lie, I kinda' like it :)

Somehow I managed to get through a long day at school. By 2:30 p.m. Pacific Standard time, I was driving down route 66, in my red convertible with my hair whooshing in the crisp, fall wind....ok, not really...I took Baseline and I was in a truck with my hair in a messy bun, but I had the windows down and it felt really good.

Anyway, when I checked my voicemail, I heard a sweet message from a good friend asking me if she could drop something off. She didn't say what, but I like surprises, even though they make me nervous and a tad gassy, so I didn't ask any questions and offered to come pick it up instead since I was in the area.

I pulled up and saw her holding a little bag. Any pregnant woman can tell you the excitement that comes when someone hands you a little pastel-colored baggy.

Ooooooh! what can it be? bibs, bottles, blankies, brownies..... !!!!

Never could I have imagined what I'd find inside.

Last week, I freaked out because I hadn't felt the baby move the way he usually does. After a couple of days of worrying, I asked some of my closest friends for prayers before rushing off to the ER. Fortunately, everything was ok.

I don't know how I will ever be able to express my gratitude for this amazing, unique gift. I can't believe I can listen to his heart whenever I want. I hate to sound like a 13 year old girl (Ok, I secretly like it), but I seriously totally have like the bestest friends in the whole world. You guys rock! Like, yeah! *tear*

But for realz now, yo'-

These women have helped carry me through the darkest days of my life. Never once have they deserted me.  Even before my Ian went to be with the angels, they have always been there. I'll never forget the gifts, the cards, the meals, the flowers, the words, the prayers, the kindness....

I feel blessed.

 I love that I can still see the goodness in life, even after going through something as tragic as losing a child. Something I never thought I'd have to do. I love that the sun still shines through the clouds. And on particularly cloudy days, I love that I can still find it in myself to dance in the rain, even if it takes me a while to gather the will and the strength. I love that because of this wound, I am able to cherish the things I once took for granted. I love that I can hug my babies a little tighter.

I'll never get over it. I'll never completely move on. And I'm sure I'll still have days when I just want to hide in the dark to cry alone. Please know that on the days when the pain takes over, I am still grateful.

Today started pretty bad.....

but it ended so perfectly.