This heartache is almost unbearable. The tears won't stop. I can still smell him on me. That sweet, fresh baby smell is impregnated into my skin. Every time I close my eyes I see his face. I wish I could've seen his eyes just once.
On Friday night, Joe and I decided it was best if the nurse took his body away. We knew we had to say goodbye at some point and we didn't want it to be as we left the hospital. We both held him for a while and told him how much we loved him. We cried together and told him how sorry we were that we couldn't save him. We rubbed our faces against his and kissed him as much as we could. Joe told the nurse she could take him. It hurt so bad knowing he'd be going to the morgue and not the nursery. We watched her as she pulled his little bed out, knowing that would be the last time we'd see him. Joe laid behind me, with his arms around my shoulders and we sobbed together.
I could've never done that alone. I'm so grateful my husband was there to share the pain with me.
Yesterday I lost it. I screamed and cried uncontrollably. Joe tried his best to hold me, but I didn't want to be held. I didn't want anything but my baby. The same one I carried inside me for 39 weeks. The one who made me nauseous and tired and hungry for so long. The one who I longed to hold and feed and bathe. I wanted to feel his slippery little body in my arms. Nothing else would please me. No words of comforts or hugs or bible verses. Nothing.
I ripped a box of his clothes open and I held them tight against my chest. Hot tears made their way across my cheeks.
What am I supposed to do with all this sadness? The days seem so long. The nights seem even longer. I can't function. My life will never be the same...
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Nothing will ever be the same. People try to fill your sadness with words but there isn't anything that can be said to do that. You are doing what you are suppose to. You are getting through it day by day. And there are groups and doctors and people you can talk to. There are steps to these things. You will find the way back to every day living. Ian will still always be in your heart. Some days will be harder then others. But you will find a way to be there for the boys and your great husband. You just need to grieve!
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