The Gift of Peace of Mind

Today started pretty bad. I had been up most of the night tossing and turning, unable to get into a comfortable position. I suppose it doesn't matter when you have to empty your bladder six to eight times a night.....or when there is a tiny person beating the heck outta your guts from the inside. Not gonna lie, I kinda' like it :)

Somehow I managed to get through a long day at school. By 2:30 p.m. Pacific Standard time, I was driving down route 66, in my red convertible with my hair whooshing in the crisp, fall wind....ok, not really...I took Baseline and I was in a truck with my hair in a messy bun, but I had the windows down and it felt really good.

Anyway, when I checked my voicemail, I heard a sweet message from a good friend asking me if she could drop something off. She didn't say what, but I like surprises, even though they make me nervous and a tad gassy, so I didn't ask any questions and offered to come pick it up instead since I was in the area.

I pulled up and saw her holding a little bag. Any pregnant woman can tell you the excitement that comes when someone hands you a little pastel-colored baggy.

Ooooooh! what can it be? bibs, bottles, blankies, brownies..... !!!!

Never could I have imagined what I'd find inside.

Last week, I freaked out because I hadn't felt the baby move the way he usually does. After a couple of days of worrying, I asked some of my closest friends for prayers before rushing off to the ER. Fortunately, everything was ok.

I don't know how I will ever be able to express my gratitude for this amazing, unique gift. I can't believe I can listen to his heart whenever I want. I hate to sound like a 13 year old girl (Ok, I secretly like it), but I seriously totally have like the bestest friends in the whole world. You guys rock! Like, yeah! *tear*

But for realz now, yo'-

These women have helped carry me through the darkest days of my life. Never once have they deserted me.  Even before my Ian went to be with the angels, they have always been there. I'll never forget the gifts, the cards, the meals, the flowers, the words, the prayers, the kindness....

I feel blessed.

 I love that I can still see the goodness in life, even after going through something as tragic as losing a child. Something I never thought I'd have to do. I love that the sun still shines through the clouds. And on particularly cloudy days, I love that I can still find it in myself to dance in the rain, even if it takes me a while to gather the will and the strength. I love that because of this wound, I am able to cherish the things I once took for granted. I love that I can hug my babies a little tighter.

I'll never get over it. I'll never completely move on. And I'm sure I'll still have days when I just want to hide in the dark to cry alone. Please know that on the days when the pain takes over, I am still grateful.

Today started pretty bad.....

but it ended so perfectly.

Last week, I added another lesson to my repertoire of Life Lessons I Wish I Didn't Have to Learn the Hard Way. I won't beat around the bush- I have gestational diabetes. I can't say I am surprised, as diabetes runs strongly in my genes.....that, and I have been stuffing my face silly. Fun's over. Time to get serious.

There are some cookies on the table calling my name, but putting myself in a position that may risk this baby's life is not an option. I'm too scared to even think of what this could mean.

Another Ian. No, no, no. I wouldn't survive.

I've been sticking to my meal plans very well. I lost three pounds in four days, which is a good start on the ton of weight I have to lose after this baby is done baking. 

I feel privileged in so many ways. I can't believe God granted me the opportunity to grow another one of His mysteriously complex human beings inside me. What an honor.

I love feeling him move inside me. It brings back sweet memories of carrying my other boys. Most of those memories bring smiles to my face. Others bring tears. It is always clear how truly blessed I am, though.

I watched Rabbit Hole on Netflix a few nights ago. I knew what it was about before I started it and I knew I'd cry (more like sob), but I think I needed that, so I watched it anyway. It was comforting to see people fall apart the way I do almost every day. It made me feel a bit more normal to see people grieving in their own way. Believe it or not, it was nice to see that gut-wrenching pain that creeps up on you during the most inconvenient moments, strike someone besides me. Although scripted, it was healing to see these characters cry for their children the same way I do. Whether it was a four year old boy who ran into the street chasing after his dog or a thirty year old heroine addict who couldn't break the habit, they both had mothers who loved them and wanted nothing more than to have their babies back.

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I was hoping to write a bit more tonight, but I can feel my blood-sugar getting low and cookies are not an option. 

I hope you all had a beautiful weekend. 

XOXO