When You Are Drowning Use Your Children As Floating Devices

There will be times in life in which you will feel like you are in the middle of the ocean, with nowhere to go, no one to help you, no hint of dry land in sight... Just little ol' you and the massive, cruel, cold waves of the ocean. And just when you think all is calm and you're gathering the strength and the energy to keep your head above the disgustingly salty sea water- BAM! outta nowhere, another wave will hit you over the head and drag you down as deep as oceanly possible, pounding on you so hard, it'll make you wish you were already dead, so that you wouldn't have to suffer through the unpredictable currents of life's oceans.

And you just want to cry and give up and whine about how unfair your life is. 

Then you remember that giving up is not an option, because you have little people who are watching your every move, depending on you, not only for all of life's basic necessities, but for love, support and comfort, as well. They will grow up and become YOU- the same you who let the waves of life win the battle or the YOU who fought back as hard as humanly possible even when the odds were against you.

Today, I sit in front of my computer monitor with a bag of frozen veggies on my face, in a desperate attempt to ease the pain caused by a toothache, my bank account is several hundreds of dollars overdrawn, the month of December starts tomorrow, bringing with it a whole new batch of bills and holiday expenses, my husband is unemployed and my growing belly is making it harder and harder for me to accomplish the simplest of tasks....but I know someone, somewhere has it ten times harder than I do and is managing to stay afloat.

I can turn around and see my babies quietly watching T.V. Some parents aren't as fortunate. They have to visit their children in hospitals and pray to God that they will make it through the night.

Tonight, when I feel like I'm drowning, with nowhere to go and nothing to hang on to, I will hang on tight to my babies and trust that they will bring me out to safety. They will show me what unconditional love looks like, even after I've taken out all of my frustrations on them. And they will find reasons to smile and make me smile with them, because they love me and they need to keep swimming, no matter what.

It's funny how I brought them to life thinking I would always be the one to protect them, and here they are, little as can be, helping me keep my head above water. So, bring on the waves! I've got secret, magic floating devices.

This 'life' thing...it's complicated stuff. Bittersweet. Sometimes a little more bitter than sweet. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? 

Words Will Come...

I'm pregnant. Fourteen weeks and two days, to be exact.

I'm blank and a little bit numb. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I'm sure deep (deep, deep, deep) inside I am thrilled. But on the surface I am still a bit confused. There are times when I completely forget about the little human growing inside me and I start to make plans for vacations and large purchases and then I realize that by then I'll be too fat to do anything. And then there are times when I sit in wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl and my mind gets extremely creative with potential names for both genders.

Things are complicated right now. Not exactly stable in more ways than one. I just started a job as a teller at Wells Fargo about three months ago and I had plans to go back to school and do so many things. Things that I had never had the opportunity to do because of my legal status and then because I had little boys who needed me or because I was always broke or tired or busy......and right when I was getting ready to branch out and make me proud of me, I get knocked up.

I suppose it will all be OK. It always has been.

I wanted to write more, but I am still blank.

Words will come....

If You Give A Girl A Green Card.....

She might ask for a driver's license. Her first one ever, even though she learned to drive a decade ago. She might also want a decent job. The kind that asks for a background check and all that fun stuff.

I've been having so much fun with my brand new legal status. Sure, it may sound lame to all you natural-born Americans, but I've never had this much freedom before and I'm loving on it. I've applied at dozens of places, just 'cause I [legally] can! and to my surprise, a couple of them have called me back.

Ooohhhh, it feels good to be legal. Not gonna lie, sometimes I wanna shout it out to random people on the street. Hey, you! guess what! I am a legal permanent resident! or when someone is rude to me on the phone or something, the first come-back that comes to mind is Well, you may be having a bad day and taking it out on me, but guess what!- I am a legal permanent resident bitch! Take that! *waves fist in the air* I'll bet they've never heard that one before.

And suddenly, the word legal has become my favorite word. Watch me throw it around thoughtlessly... and you can be 100% certain I smiled every single time I typed it. Tee-hee!

So, the past couple of legal months have been awesome. Except for the fact that my boys have been sick off and on for several weeks now. First, it was that pesky stomach bug. Now, the oldest is getting over bronchitis and the little one had a double ear infection. But, don't worry. Amoxicillin is making it all better. Legally.

Oh, and as of February 21st, I am legally 26 years young. Which means I am legally half-way through my twenties. Which also means it is time for me to re-examine all of my short-term / long-term goals, hopes and dreams. Here's a short list off the top of my head, including a few things I've already had the pleasure of legally doing:

• Buy my first beer, just 'cause I legally can [even though I don't drink]
• Order an alcoholic beverage at a restaurant just so they'll card me [even though I think fruity little alcoholic drinks are gross, but I drank it anyway, just so it wouldn't be a waste]
• Pass my written exam at the DMV
• Offer to show my green card to a potential employer, even though he didn't ask for it
• Purposely getting caught in an immigration checkpoint just so I can bust the card out
• Get a super cool job- One where I don't have to sneeze on rude people's food....not that I ever did that....
• Pretend I don't speak English, so that I don't stop feeling Mexican
• Pretend I don't speak Spanish, so that I feel more American
• Apply for financial aid and smile as I type in my social security number
• Sell long-stemmed roses by the freeway exit, so that I feel more Mexican
• Hold a cardboard sign by the freeway exit, so that I feel more American
• Shave my eyebrows and sharpie them in, then dye my hair brassy-blonde and let my dark roots grow out, so people will know that even though I'm legal, I still know who I am and where I came from
• Walk around town speaking with an English accent and look really confused when people ask me what part of England I'm from....just for shits and giggles

Ok, I'm only kidding on some of those, but if I really wanted to......legally......I could! Ah, what a wonderful addition to this country I will be :) And I'm just getting started!

Alright, so, girl has a green card... now girl needs a cookie to eat before going to bed. Goodnight. Have a very legal rest of the week.