Monday, February 27, 2012

I Miss You

My last appointment before my c-section was today at 10:15. Last week when I made the appointment I would have never imagined I'd be at a funeral home instead.

It's hard to look down and not see my big pregnant belly. It wouldn't be so hard if I at least had my little angel to hold, but the cold, harsh truth is you're gone.

I keep going back to Wednesday night, when I was sitting on the couch, watching my belly wiggle into all sorts of odd shapes. Daddy had his hands on my bump and he was telling me how excited he was about getting to hold you soon. I could see the excitement in his eyes. And your were counting down the days on the calendar. They were anxiously awaiting your arrival as well.

Thursday morning is such a blur. My back started hurting around 5a.m. I didn't think much of it because I was no stranger to aches and pains by this point. But this time it didn't get any better. It only started to get worse. I woke up daddy, called grandma and got ready to go to the hospital. I quickly threw a few things into the diaper bag daddy got us for Valentine's day, including a little pair of yellow duckie pajamas and we took off to the hospital. The pain was becoming more and more intense, and by this time I had realized you hadn't moved much since late Wednesday night. I started to pray for some movement, but it was hard to concentrate with the contractions getting stronger and stronger.

The second that nurse put the doppler on me and couldn't find a heartbeat- I knew. Finding it had never been a challenge and I knew you were gone. They quickly brought an ultrasound monitor and gave eachother strange looks. They were trying not to worry me, but I already knew.

They immediately prepared me for a c-section. Daddy sobbed as they pulled you out with your cord around your neck. I've never heard him cry like that. They put your little head by mine and let me kiss you. Your face still warm from my womb. You were so handsome.

I can't believe you're gone. I miss your kicks and flips inside me. Your things are in boxes in the corner of my closet. Grandma packed them away for me because she knew I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of them.

Right now, I'm angry. Angry that I never got to see your eyes. Angry that I never got to hear you cry. Angry that I have staples across my abdomen, but no baby to hold. Angry that you're gone.

I miss you. I hate that I had to sign your tiny body away to a funeral home today. Today, when I should have been making the last minute preparations for your arrival.

It hurts to say your name. It hurts to have to explain to your brothers that you're in heaven. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to want to hold you so badly. I feel so empty. My sight is clouded by tears 90% of the day. Your brothers know I'm hurting for you.

I love you Ian Daniel. I hope you know that. Daddy loves you too. We found out you were on your way at a very strange time in our lives. I was beyond shocked when I found out you were coming, but you brought me peace and joy.

My heart aches for you, my sweet baby. Even when I find a moment of peace, my heart throbs with pain. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I promise you, your short life will not be in vain. You have changed who I am forever. I will never be the same.

I love you.

See you in my dreams tonight my precious little piece of heaven.



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  1. <3 is all i can send... I <3 U!!

  2. you are a strong woman!

  3. I am so so sorry for your loss sweetie. May your precious angel rest in peace.

  4. It takes a strong woman to be able to take about this're angle watches over you his brothers and his daddy..he well forever be with you all...stay strong...<3 U...

  5. Wow I wish I could be half the women you are I am proud to call you my friend and I hope god can help you heal but I know you will never forget your angel

  6. Im so sorry for your loss i will say a prayer for you and your family. i dont know hownit feelsnto lose a child and God forbid i hope that i vame be as strong as you

  7. wow, I am so very, very sorry for your loss- I can't even imagine. Praying for you. (hugs)

  8. Congratulations on birthing your little man Angelmary and to your boys for becoming big brothers. I am so terribly sorry that Ian Daniel couldn't stay. You chose such a beautiful name and I am sure that he was just as gorgeous as his name. Life is so unfair sometimes and it is wrong that things like this can happen. I don't know you, but I am sending lots of love, hugs, thoughts and prayers. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Fly free little man :-(

  9. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers and this very sad and difficult time - my little Ian Daniel's angel spirit comfort you in some way. Peace & prayers.

  10. I pray you find moments of peace. Times it doesn't hurt to breathe. A restful sleep that lets you forget the pain for a few hours so your heart can heal. I hope this happens soon. I am so sorry for your great loss. Your writing is so articulate and heartfelt. You are gifted. You can touch so many people with your words. You may ease another's pain by writing through your own. Keep writing. Just keep writing. Love, Lanie

  11. Thought you might like this...

    Can you be a Mother when your baby is not with you? I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today. I asked “What makes a mother?” and I know I heard Him say, “A mother has a baby”. This we know is true. “But God, can you be a mother when your baby’s not with you?” “Yes you can,” He replied with confidence in His voice. “I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime, and others for the day and some I send to feel your womb, but there’s no need to stay.” “I just don’t understand this God I want my baby to be here.” He took a deep breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw the tear. “I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today. If you could see your child’s smile, with all the other children and say…” “We go to earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear. My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a mom who had so much love for me. I learned my lessons very quickly, my mommy set me free. I miss my mommy oh so much but I visit her everyday. When she goes to sleep on her pillows where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear, “mommy don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.” “So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay. Your babies are born here in my home and this is where they’ll stay. They’ll wait for you with me until your lessons through. And on the day that you come home they’ll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a mother, It’s the feeling in your heart. It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother until their time is done. They’ll be up here with me one day and know that you are the best one.”

  12. I can hear you crying as I read this. So heart breaking. You should be very proud for being so brave. Thank you for sharing with us. He'll always be with you xxoo

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