Thursday, July 5, 2012


I haven't been emotionally capable of logging into this blog for several months. It's a sad place with raw emotions that I somehow managed to type up while I was half dead inside.
Tears are making their way across my cheeks as I recall those long, lonely nights after I lost my boy. Nowadays, I can smile a lot more and focus on what I do have- two beautiful boys who need their momma, but I still have moments when the brokeness resurfaces and makes me wonder how I'm supposed to get through an entire lifetime without my baby.
Today would have been his first Independence Day. I miss him. Sometimes, I can smell him near me. And other times he visits me in my dreams.
I never knew this much sadness was possible. The what-ifs alone are enough to drive any stable-minded, averagely-sane, semi-normal person crazy. Not saying that I was any of those to begin with....but now I just feel like I've lost my mind on most days. I've become a hypochondriac, over-protective, paranoid, freak who thinks that weird diseases and freak accidents are waiting to happen to her and everyone around her.
And no, the Zoloft didn't help. If anything I'd say it made it worse. Call me weird, but drugging the pain away just doesn't work for me. I want to feel and cry and hurt. I feel a lot better after a good cry than I do after popping a few pills.
A good talk helps too. However, there are those people who mean well and think that by summarizing a lifetime's worth of "wise", cliche quotes that they've heard or read, will wash all your troubles away. You know the ones I'm talking about. "Everything happens for a reason" or "God never gives you anything you can't handle" or "he's in better place", etc.....
And of course there are those who think that a dose of tough love will "snap you out of it". Like I'm just supposed to pick up where I left off before the little person who lived inside me for 39 weeks, the one I so lovingly named and prepared for, the one whom I made a lifetime of plans with, died.
That's right. He died. And I'm not ok. I'm sad and I'm broken and I'm going to spontaneously cry and publicly hurt for as long as I need to, because I'm grieving, and that's ok. I will have days when the sadness will takeover and I simply won't be my "normal" self. And people will judge and talk about how I'm crying my life away and about how life goes on and how I should be happy about my two healthy children, but unless they ever walk down this path themselves, they will simply never know how selfish and ignorant they are making themselves look.
Nobody chooses this. And when it happens to you, you can't choose when or where or how often to hurt.
I love you, Ian. I hope you enjoyed the fireworks tonight, angel. I'm sure you did as you had the best seat in the house- heaven. Fly high sweet baby. Momma loves you.

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  1. Hi friend I love your words I wish I could write as beautiful as you!! And I understand of course never to the same extent I think and pray for you everyday there are nights when I can no longer cry because I no longer have tears. I am a wreck at all times as I am sure you know now I live in constant fear fear of everything!
    I honestly stopped taking phone calls (and sad to say its usually family) because of what u mentioned above "God has a plan " "Everything happens for a reason" "your still alive you have to think about your daughter " Time heels all wounds my favorite is "only time will tell" tell me what?
    this isn't like a broken hand where in a few weeks the cast comes off and all is forgotten
    the pain I feel is indescribable I cannot even try to explain w/o bursting into tears
    I am so sorry you r going thru this and I wish things could be different I wish I could take your pain away because telling you I'm praying for you doesnt change anything your still in pain your still going crazy ppl think ok its time to move on but only you will know.when your ready I know u will NEVER forget little Ian as neither will I even though I never met him he holds a.special place in my heart and so do you!! My words aren't as beautiful as yours but know that I am here for you

  2. Gaby, don't compare your pain to mine. I often think my pain is nothing compared to yours, but then I remember that it's not the pain that is different, just the circumstances/ factors causing our pain. But we both hurt. I'm sorry you're hurting.
    Sadly, the "tough love" I have received has been from family members as well. I just avoid the subject altogether now. I have better things to do than listen to someone lecture me about something they have never experienced.
    And yes, your prayers do make a difference. One of my biggest fears was feeling like everyone forgot about my Ian. Like life goes on and he never existed. Every prayer said for him is an acknowledgement of his life. It means a lot to me.
    Thank you for your sweet words. You should start a blog. This comment alone could've been a blog entry :)


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