Dear Ian

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday to you

Happy birthday dear Ian

Happy birthday to you

 

This is nothing like I pictured your first birthday, angel. This is nothing like I pictured my life. I can't believe it has been a year since I first held your still, tiny body in my arms. And what a year it has been. A year of tears, pain and many life lessons.

 

I woke up at exactly five in the morning today. I was feeding your baby brother when I suddenly realized that it was exactly a year ago at around 5 a.m. when I knew something was wrong. I'll never forget that day. The day my worst nightmare became reality.

 

I clearly remember when the nurse looked me in the eyes and told me you were gone. No! I shouted. I have two babies at home waiting for their little brother. What am I going to tell my babies?! They're waiting for their baby brother. I turned to face the wall and I sobbed like I have never sobbed before.

 

 

 

The contractions were getting worse. I knew you were gone but I was still clinging to hope. Hope that the nurses and doctors were wrong. Hope that they'd take you out and I would hear you cry as you took your first breath. You were so handsome and your skin so warm. You were perfect, but you were gone.

 

I hope you remember how I held you for hours as I took in every feature of your tiny face. I hope you remember all the things I told you, the tears I cried over you, the lullabies I sang to you- the same lullabies I continue to sing for your brothers. I hope you know how much I have missed you this past year. Sometimes I can still smell the scent of your skin on me. When I close my eyes I always see your face. I remember exactly how perfectly your little body fit into my arms.

 

 

 

I have felt sadness many time during my life, but nothing comes close to what I felt the day I said goodbye to you. I held you close for many hours, I sang to you and I told you over and over and over how much I love you. I couldn't believe I would never hold you again. I watched as the nurse wheeled you away in your little bed and I cried and cried as she put your baby blanket over your face before leaving the room.

 

I wish you were here. I wish I could have seen you blow out your first birthday candle today. I miss you. My heart aches for you. I am always going to wonder about you. I have some beautiful pictures of you that a wonderful photographer from a wonderful organization took. I haven't seen the pictures since the day I received the CD in the mail. I can't. I'm not ready. I hope you don't think it's because I don't want to. Your sweet face is engraved in my mind and sometimes I can hardly handle that.

 

One year ago today I lost you, sweet angel and today, one year later, I am sitting here holding your baby brother, wondering if I would have him had I not lost you. I'd give anything to have you with me, but at the same time I can't imagine my life without my Noah-Bear.

 

Thank you, my sweet Ian.  Thank you because you have made me a better person. Because of you I appreciate your brothers so much more and I try not to take a single minute with them for granted.

 

Happy birthday in heaven, my little love. I love you so much and I know one day we will be together again.

 

Love,

            Mommy