Monday, September 13, 2010

The Heebie-Jeebies, Life and Crochet

Last night was strange. Stranger than usual, I mean. I was struck with insomnia and a mad case of the heebie-jeebies. Mind you, this is quite normal for me, but last night was worse. I started torturing myself with irrational thoughts of random acts of violence against myself, my kids or anyone else closely related to me. I started thinking about how "dangerous" it is for me to go out jogging all by "myself", even though there are always at least a half dozen joggers running about. Then my mind shifted to natural disasters and the thought of the next big one. How would I get through that? how would I ever find the will to survive if any of my loved ones was suddenly gone?

It didn't stop there. Then I went into my gotta-figure-out-a-way-to save humanity/ promote world peace/ end global warming/ end terrorism/ save the whales etc.-mode, which led to crying. Yes, I cried, alone, in the dark.

For about an hour, I was afraid of the world. I was afraid of living. I wanted to take everyone who was important to me and put them in a little magic box where nothing could ever harm them. Then, I figured if I took the people who I care about and put them in my box, and then they took the people who they cared about and invited them to come along, and so on, the entire world would end up in there and it would be much too crowded. It makes no sense! It's impossible to protect everyone from everything.

Last year, this would have kept me from getting any sleep at all, but not anymore. I can't live this way. I choose not to. I took my worries, my anxieties, my fears and offered them to God. I told Him I trusted Him, even though I don't understand Him sometimes.

There are so many things I want to do. I don't want to get to the end of my life without doing every single little thing my heart has ever desired. I subconsciously started on a few things last year. I had always wanted to learn to knit, but I'd always manage to convince myself I wasn't the knitting "type". I would tell myself "I'm just not patient enough, I'm not creative enough" over and over.  I was my own obstacle. I haven't exactly started knitting yet, but I did learn to crochet. I've gotten pretty darned good in the past year, if I do say so myself. And like so, little by little, I plan on following my heart wherever it takes me, because I want to LIVE in more ways than one.

Crochet opened up a whole new world for me. It reminded me of the artist inside me. The one who loves colors and patterns and designs, but was afraid to come out and fail at something she's never even attempted. I've been crafting up a storm these last few days, in hopes that I will eventually become good enough to open my own Etsy shop.

Here are a few things I've made. Took the pictures with my phone, so they may not be the best quality, but you get the point.

Felt Barrettes-

Crochet beanies: 

I made my own patterns for those, so if they look a little odd, it's because I'm a newbie at this crochet stuff. I'm also working on a shawl and a few other beanies. And I'm going to be having a few giveaways soon, so stay tuned!

Tonight I will only allow myself five minutes of fear, because yes, the world is a scary place, but it is also a wonderfully unpredictable place full of God's beautiful creations.

Happy Blogging!


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