Thursday, August 23, 2012

Dear Ian

Hi, angel. Happy six months in heaven, pumpkin.
Happy for you, not so happy for me.
I think about you every day, but today I couldn't get you off my mind. I kept thinking about all the wonderful milestones you surely would have reached by now.
I still have all your things. I'm not ready to let them go. I can't believe I have lived without you in my arms for six months. That's half a year!
A few weeks ago Tyler asked me if the reason you had gone to heaven was because he used to lay on my belly when you were inside me. Don't worry, I told him that wasn't the reason and to never think that it was his fault. I think your brothers miss you, they just don't know how to express it. They were so excited to have a baby brother. I remember how they would practice holding you with some of their stuffed animals and how they would tell me all of the wonderful things they wanted to do with you.
I love you so much, Ian. Sometimes I close my eyes and picture you laying on my chest like your brothers used to do when they were babies. And sometimes I can smell you on me.
It's hard not to think about all the things you'd be doing by now. It's hard not to wonder how I'm supposed to get through the rest of my life without you in it.
Please know that the day I take my last breath on this earth, I will go with a smile because I know you will be waiting for me. But hang in there for a little bit, because I still have a few things to do here. You have two brothers who need me and I'd really love to make a few contributions to this planet before I go spend eternity with you.
I miss you, honey, but I'm ok. Momma has good days and bad days, but I'll be alright. I smile more often these days, but I still have the need to shed a few tears for you every day. My heart aches every second of the day, but I've learned to soothe the pain with the love of your brothers and all the sweet memories of you tumbling in my belly.  I could have sworn you were going to be an acrobat :)
I love you, angel boy. Come visit me tonight, please. I need to feel you close. Fly high little cherub.

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