Monday, September 10, 2012

New Life

I am nearly twenty weeks pregnant.

I'm not sure I am ready to announce it to the world, but you can only hide a pregnancy for so long. The few people who know have been incredibly supportive. However, every woman who's ever been pregnant can tell you that it is nearly impossible to avoid those well-meaning rude remarks about the new life growing inside of you. I've already had a few "I hope it's a girl this time" if, after what I've been through, I really care about the gender more than the safety and well-being of the tiny human baking in my womb. The truth is my life would have been more than perfect with a house full of boys.
And, of course, I could not get half-way through this pregnancy without the "you're having a new baby now, it's time to move on", because it's common knowledge that one baby replaces another, right? ....I might as well make it clear now, NOTHING and NOBODY will EVER fill this empty space in my heart. I still cry for him every day and my heart aches like it did the day I lost him. If anything, I'd say time has made the pain worse, because every day something reminds me that I should be holding a baby boy and my heart breaks a little more.
But, by far, the most unfortunate choice of words were "make sure you take care of this one" by a girl at my doctor's office. That one stung. She made me feel like I had somehow caused Ian's death.

I don't hold these things against anyone. I have learned a lot over the past few months, like that reading between the lines is a waste of time and that it's possible for someone to care about you and still say something unmeaningly hurtful while you're wounded and vulnerable. The biggest lesson though, has been the power of love. Like when emotion takes over and you don't know what to say, it's ok to not say anything. A simple heartfelt I'm Sorry along with a hug full of love and empathy is all you need. No need for cliche quotes or comparing the situation to a possible worst scenario.

I'd be lying if I said I am not a nervous wreck. And I'd really be lying if I said I'm not still grieving. And while the sadness and the anxiety manage to take over sometimes, most of the time I can be happy and thankful that there is a brand new human being growing inside me. I know our angel in heaven is watching over us every step of the way.


  1. I'm so happy for you....i'm sure Ian couldn't be happier to know he'll be a big brother..maybe not in our form but in spirit...and I'd like to think that he will watch his lil brother or sister just as your 2 older boiis will..Mariana...I admire your courage and strength..your an excellent mother and your 4 babies will always be with you... xoxo

  2. Mariana, truly no one can or should expect you to "get over" a loss of a child, no matter how long ago it happened or how many children you have after. All you can do is live with the heartache the best you can and don't allow anyone to make you feel judged or responsible. What happened to you is most unfortunate and if you could have prevented it, of course you would. People do say stupid things. But, you have a ton of people who love and support you and are praying for you everyday. Most importantly... JESUS LOVES YOU and He will make all things new... like this precious baby in your belly. God bless you all. Hugs! Michelle T

  3. Congrats old friend! <3 u and ur whole family! God Bless -Patricia jauregui

  4. Congrats. I hope & pray all things go well this time.

    I'm frustrated cuz I've commented on here 3 times & my comment get erased cuz I don't know what I'm doing lol. Going to see if it works this time & then I will comment again if it does.

  5. Congratulations, I know no words, no quotes, no sayings take away the pain of a mother missing her babies. I hate all the absent minded things people say about my grief. I was recently told that my grief was less then another mothers because my daughter spent her 156 days here in the NICU, and the other mothers baby went home and passed from SIDS, I was shocked silent! I will keep your in my thoughts and prayers for a happy, healthy, baby!!!
    ps I am a part of GM!


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