Words Will Come...

I'm pregnant. Fourteen weeks and two days, to be exact.

I'm blank and a little bit numb. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I'm sure deep (deep, deep, deep) inside I am thrilled. But on the surface I am still a bit confused. There are times when I completely forget about the little human growing inside me and I start to make plans for vacations and large purchases and then I realize that by then I'll be too fat to do anything. And then there are times when I sit in wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl and my mind gets extremely creative with potential names for both genders.

Things are complicated right now. Not exactly stable in more ways than one. I just started a job as a teller at Wells Fargo about three months ago and I had plans to go back to school and do so many things. Things that I had never had the opportunity to do because of my legal status and then because I had little boys who needed me or because I was always broke or tired or busy......and right when I was getting ready to branch out and make me proud of me, I get knocked up.

I suppose it will all be OK. It always has been.

I wanted to write more, but I am still blank.

Words will come....

If You Give A Girl A Green Card.....

She might ask for a driver's license. Her first one ever, even though she learned to drive a decade ago. She might also want a decent job. The kind that asks for a background check and all that fun stuff.

I've been having so much fun with my brand new legal status. Sure, it may sound lame to all you natural-born Americans, but I've never had this much freedom before and I'm loving on it. I've applied at dozens of places, just 'cause I [legally] can! and to my surprise, a couple of them have called me back.

Ooohhhh, it feels good to be legal. Not gonna lie, sometimes I wanna shout it out to random people on the street. Hey, you! guess what! I am a legal permanent resident! or when someone is rude to me on the phone or something, the first come-back that comes to mind is Well, you may be having a bad day and taking it out on me, but guess what!- I am a legal permanent resident bitch! Take that! *waves fist in the air* I'll bet they've never heard that one before.

And suddenly, the word legal has become my favorite word. Watch me throw it around thoughtlessly... and you can be 100% certain I smiled every single time I typed it. Tee-hee!

So, the past couple of legal months have been awesome. Except for the fact that my boys have been sick off and on for several weeks now. First, it was that pesky stomach bug. Now, the oldest is getting over bronchitis and the little one had a double ear infection. But, don't worry. Amoxicillin is making it all better. Legally.

Oh, and as of February 21st, I am legally 26 years young. Which means I am legally half-way through my twenties. Which also means it is time for me to re-examine all of my short-term / long-term goals, hopes and dreams. Here's a short list off the top of my head, including a few things I've already had the pleasure of legally doing:

• Buy my first beer, just 'cause I legally can [even though I don't drink]
• Order an alcoholic beverage at a restaurant just so they'll card me [even though I think fruity little alcoholic drinks are gross, but I drank it anyway, just so it wouldn't be a waste]
• Pass my written exam at the DMV
• Offer to show my green card to a potential employer, even though he didn't ask for it
• Purposely getting caught in an immigration checkpoint just so I can bust the card out
• Get a super cool job- One where I don't have to sneeze on rude people's food....not that I ever did that....
• Pretend I don't speak English, so that I don't stop feeling Mexican
• Pretend I don't speak Spanish, so that I feel more American
• Apply for financial aid and smile as I type in my social security number
• Sell long-stemmed roses by the freeway exit, so that I feel more Mexican
• Hold a cardboard sign by the freeway exit, so that I feel more American
• Shave my eyebrows and sharpie them in, then dye my hair brassy-blonde and let my dark roots grow out, so people will know that even though I'm legal, I still know who I am and where I came from
• Walk around town speaking with an English accent and look really confused when people ask me what part of England I'm from....just for shits and giggles

Ok, I'm only kidding on some of those, but if I really wanted to......legally......I could! Ah, what a wonderful addition to this country I will be :) And I'm just getting started!

Alright, so, girl has a green card... now girl needs a cookie to eat before going to bed. Goodnight. Have a very legal rest of the week.

Not Happily Ever After

I am human. Moms are human. As much as we'd love to be perfect for the sake of our babies, it's just not possible. I had a few of those less-than-perfect days last week. Allergies + a sore throat + chronic insomnia = one cranky mother of two. It was bad. My poor babies had to put up with my mood swings and my very short fuse. It got so bad at one point, I had to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and just let it all out. When I came out, my eyes were red and my ego was shattered, but I managed to pull myself together and apologize to the little people for being a jerk to them.

"It's OK, it was an accident" Julian said as he threw his arms around my neck.


We have good days, we have bad days. That's life.

There is no such thing as happily ever after . Happiness comes in moments. Sometimes it may last a few days. Sometimes a few hours. Sometimes only a few minutes. But it goes as quickly as it comes. The trick is recognizing it when it arrives and savoring every precious second of it.

We all have troubles, bills, traumas, pasts, problems, things/ people who annoy us, etc... but there is no rule or law that says we have to dwell or focus on them. Life is short.

I think about the many years I wasted depressed. I got the professional help, I took the meds and I was still unhappy. I wished to die more times than I can count. I had to get sick and feel like my life was coming to an end for me to realize how amazing life is.

I spent many nights thinking about what my babies would do without their mother. I cried for all the times I actually thought their lives could be so much better without me and I begged Him for a second chance.

I had a hamper full of blood-drenched clothing, which sat their  for several days. After I came home from my second D&C, I didn't even think they'd be worth washing, because I thought the blood stains had surely set in by then. I threw them in the washer anyway, hoping to save a few things. To my amazement, every single stain came out. And it's not like these were little spots or anything. Half my wardrobe (the bottom half) was completely covered in blood. And they were all gone......I didn't even pre-treat!!!

Thank you Tide, for washing away the blood. Not only did you save me a whole bunch of money, but you gave me hope.........................................Hope that everything would be OK.

 I still have bad days, like every other human on this earth, but at least I don't dwell on it anymore. I take those moments of happiness and I engrave them into my soul. Whether it's something funny the kids said or finding a dollar in a dirty pair of jeans, I savor every second of it. I let it run through me and purify me, before it runs off and 'life' happens again. And when it goes, I don't say goodbye, I just say see you later, because I know it knows where to find me and that I'll be waiting with arms wide open.

Beauty is everywhere.

 You just have to pay attention. Look closely. Smile.

It's funny how the more susceptible we are to life's constant ups and downs, the more ups it seems to bring. Don't get discouraged when life brings you a whole bunch of downs all at once, though. Cry, think, sob a little if you need to, but as soon as that up makes an appearance, grab it!

Remember, life is short. Don't wait for a reminder from Him, to make every day count.

I Am Happy, Because...

Look at what I got in the mail on Saturday morning-

It's my notice to appear at my local ASC on October the 12th at 9am to have my biometrics taken. Yay! After that, it's one more interview to prove our marriage is legit (which should be quite obvious) and then I will be a legal permanent resident!

I am happy, because...

I decided to challenge my craftiness and try this super cute, baby shoe pattern found *HERE* and look what I made-

I love my boys, but sometimes I just have to do something that feeds the girlie side of my soul. Plus, I have a lot of girlfriends with baby girls, who probably wouldn't mind a pair of these.

I am happy, because...

I made these little felt strawberries and didn't know what to do with them afterward, but they sure look lovely around my pumpkin scented candle on my favorite Party Lite candle holder. Plus, they make great photo props. (see pic above)

I am happy, because...

I got sick of graham crackers and bought some Gourmet Maple Cream Cookies instead. Twice the price, but worth every penny. And they get extra points for being so darned cute! The boys loved them too!

Too bad they are 170 calories per serving (2 cookies).

Ah, it's the simple things in life that give me joy :)

Happy Blogging!

-M

The Heebie-Jeebies, Life and Crochet

Last night was strange. Stranger than usual, I mean. I was struck with insomnia and a mad case of the heebie-jeebies. Mind you, this is quite normal for me, but last night was worse. I started torturing myself with irrational thoughts of random acts of violence against myself, my kids or anyone else closely related to me. I started thinking about how "dangerous" it is for me to go out jogging all by "myself", even though there are always at least a half dozen joggers running about. Then my mind shifted to natural disasters and the thought of the next big one. How would I get through that? how would I ever find the will to survive if any of my loved ones was suddenly gone?

It didn't stop there. Then I went into my gotta-figure-out-a-way-to save humanity/ promote world peace/ end global warming/ end terrorism/ save the whales etc.-mode, which led to crying. Yes, I cried, alone, in the dark.

For about an hour, I was afraid of the world. I was afraid of living. I wanted to take everyone who was important to me and put them in a little magic box where nothing could ever harm them. Then, I figured if I took the people who I care about and put them in my box, and then they took the people who they cared about and invited them to come along, and so on, the entire world would end up in there and it would be much too crowded. It makes no sense! It's impossible to protect everyone from everything.

Last year, this would have kept me from getting any sleep at all, but not anymore. I can't live this way. I choose not to. I took my worries, my anxieties, my fears and offered them to God. I told Him I trusted Him, even though I don't understand Him sometimes.

There are so many things I want to do. I don't want to get to the end of my life without doing every single little thing my heart has ever desired. I subconsciously started on a few things last year. I had always wanted to learn to knit, but I'd always manage to convince myself I wasn't the knitting "type". I would tell myself "I'm just not patient enough, I'm not creative enough" over and over.  I was my own obstacle. I haven't exactly started knitting yet, but I did learn to crochet. I've gotten pretty darned good in the past year, if I do say so myself. And like so, little by little, I plan on following my heart wherever it takes me, because I want to LIVE in more ways than one.
~~~~~~~~~

Crochet opened up a whole new world for me. It reminded me of the artist inside me. The one who loves colors and patterns and designs, but was afraid to come out and fail at something she's never even attempted. I've been crafting up a storm these last few days, in hopes that I will eventually become good enough to open my own Etsy shop.

Here are a few things I've made. Took the pictures with my phone, so they may not be the best quality, but you get the point.

Felt Barrettes-

Crochet beanies: 

I made my own patterns for those, so if they look a little odd, it's because I'm a newbie at this crochet stuff. I'm also working on a shawl and a few other beanies. And I'm going to be having a few giveaways soon, so stay tuned!

~~~~~~~

Tonight I will only allow myself five minutes of fear, because yes, the world is a scary place, but it is also a wonderfully unpredictable place full of God's beautiful creations.

Happy Blogging!

-M

My Molar Pregnancy

During the summer of 2009, my husband and I were thrilled when we learned I was pregnant. It wasn't exactly in our plans, as we were still adjusting to life with two toddler boys (thirteen months apart), but we celebrated the news as if we had been trying to conceive for years. We immediately started discussing names and daydreaming about what life with three kids would be like.

We were happy.

So when I started spotting at twelve weeks pregnant, we panicked. I had never bled while pregnant before and that terrible word started flashing in my head: Miscarriage!

It was late, so I couldn't call my OB, and I knew that it wasn't all too uncommon to spot during the first and last trimester, so I did what any modern day woman would have done- I googled it.

I took comfort in the fact that it wasn't heavy bleeding and that I hadn't passed any clots. I read and prayed and researched and prayed, over and over again.

The next morning, the bleeding was gone. I called my OB, made an appointment and prayed some more.

I spotted lightly during the next several days before my appointment. I must have read a thousand different stories about women who spotted and went on to have beautiful babies a few months later. I was trying to keep the hope alive. I remember reading a few things about bleeding and molar pregnancy, but I would skip through it thinking that could never happen to me. For one, it's rare...and two, those types of things don't happen to me, only to others! [sound familiar?]

I went to my appointment hoping they'd be able to detect a heartbeat. They couldn't. So they gave me orders for an ultrasound. I couldn't quite see the screen as they were doing it, but I could see the confused look on the radiologist's face.

He wouldn't tell me what he saw and informed me I'd have to wait until my OB talked to me the next day. This should be illegal. I'm surprised I didn't lose my mind.

At that point I had convinced myself that there wouldn't be a baby and that something was surely wrong. I cried in my husband's arms and demanded an explanation, as if his guess would be any better than mine.

The next day, my OB told me he wasn't happy with the quality of the ultrasound and gave me orders for another one at a different lab, along with orders for a chest x-ray.

A chest x-ray???!!

A few days later my doc had me come in and confirmed the molar pregnancy. Then he told me they had found a nodule in one of my lungs. He explained the risk for Choriocarcinoma that comes with MP, that it's highly treatable, how chemotherapy is sometimes necessary, that I'd be ok...blah blah blah. At this point, I just wanted to fall on my knees and cry. I couldn't believe this was all happening to me.

ME!

I was scheduled for a D&C a couple of days later. By that time, I was about 14 weeks 'pregnant'. It definitely didn't feel normal by then. I was extremely nauseous, my stomach was huge, I could only eat a few bites before feeling full... I was just altogether uncomfortable.

All the nurses and doctors were amazing during my stay at the hospital. I was only there a few hours since it was an outpatient procedure, but everyone was so incredibly sweet and understanding.

I'll never forget though, only one person actually ever told me sorry for the loss of your pregnancy and he probably has no clue about how much that still means to me. Thank you, Dr. Weller -for being the best, most funniest, most sweetest anesthesiologist in the whole world [who was also my anesthesiologist when my little Tyler was born, by the way]

I was supposed to have my HCG levels measured every week until they went down to zero. They decreased during the next couple of weeks, but they started to rise again on the third week, sending me on, yet another, 'why me, why me?!!' rant rage.

I kept having nightmares about dying in front of my kids and watching them as they helplessly cried for me

My OB officially referred me to an oncologist after my HCG levels continued to rise for the next three weeks in a row.

The first oncologist was a jerk, so I asked to be referred to another, but before I could meet with the second oncologist, I ended up in the ER. I had been bleeding heavily and passing giant clots off and on for two weeks, and my mom decided enough was enough and made me go to the ER. [God bless her motherly soul for doing so]. They took me in right away and scheduled me for a second D&C the next morning. I slept comfortably knowing that if I bled anymore, I'd at least be in good hands.

The next morning, when I got up to go to the bathroom before my procedure,  gravity did it's job and I left a giant pool of blood [much to my roomie's amusement] leading all the way into the bathroom and back, right before passing one more giant clot. A nurse said she'd never seen one that big. I may hold the Guinness world record, for all I know...

Anyway, I had a second D&C and my HCG levels went back down to zero, several weeks later. My oncologist told me the nodule wasn't a big deal and that it wasn't uncommon to see them in chest x-rays.

.I am now working on a research survey that I intend to publish soon. There isn't a lot of information out there about what causes a molar pregnancy and ignorance isn't always bliss. At least not to me.

Happy Place

I don't, by any means, live in the lap of luxury. With two kids and only one income, it's hard to make ends meet and sometimes that means having to go without a few things here and there. Truth be told, I don't mind.

We have a small, yet spacious, one bedroom apartment in a lovely city with schools, parks, downtown and the library nearby. We take long morning walks through it's beautiful, tree-lined streets about as often as the weather permits. I took the picture on my header during one of those walks.

We've only been here about four months, but I've truly loved every minute of it. We used to live in a two bedroom apartment, which was nice because the kids had their own space and I liked having a space for Joe and myself to catch up at night without worrying about waking a kid or tripping over a toy truck, but we needed to save some money on rent so we 'down-graded' to a one bedroom.

I will shamelessly admit that I live with an 'everything happens for a reason' state of mind, but every once in a while something will happen that will make me believe it 10 times more than usual.

Like when Joe took a 20% pay-cut due to the crappy economy and I realized we'd have to make some changes just so we could keep up with our bills and I kept telling myself 'Well, [grunt] everything happens for a reason.....[grunt, grunt, gripe, grunt, grunt]!!! ^%@$%&*&*!!!'  and then that same pay-cut brought us to a 'smaller' apartment in a beautiful city, only to have Joe's boss tell him he was un-cutting his pay-cut a few weeks after we had moved.

If that's not an 'everything happens for a reason' kinda' situation, then I don't know what is...........

I like it here! The boys are still young and don't mind sharing a bedroom with us....yet. I love crawling into bed at night and being able to hear them breathing nearby. I love how Tyler crawls into bed with me in the morning and says "wake up, mom! I need ceweal'. :)

I'm not fond of mullets, but I love my living room.

Huh? lol

Business in the front

Party in the back!

Some day, I will have real cows, and I will learn to milk them and make cheese, and then I will make them dresses and bonnets and name them Coco and Betsy. Oh! and then I will feed them chocolate, just to prove the whole 'if you feed a cow chocolate' thing........but until then, I will keep as many toy cows as I possibly can. 

 The best part about this apartment? This super cute little, vintage Hardwick stove that came with it.

Took these with my little Casio cam, so not best quality.

And the snowman on the right, well, I keep him there year round for a little summer time Christmas cheer while I cook. Plus, it reminds me to sneak a little cinnamon into everyone's food. It's good for your blood glucose levels, you know?

So, I may not have a great, big house with a big backyard and swimming pool, and that's OK. I have everything I need right here. Joe, my boys, my cows and my snowman are all I really need. It's my happy place. :)