Things I Know

I sat in our rocking chair and cried like a baby today. If I could put this pain in a bottle and use it as a weapon of mass destruction, I'm sure I'd have enough to destroy several small countries.

I hurt so badly. I've become really good at lying. I can make people believe I'm okay, when inside I just want to run and scream until I collapse. Sometimes, I can even make myself think I'm okay.

I'm not fine. I'm hurt and I'm lost and I'm confused. I feel humiliated. I feel like life played a very dirty trick on me, by letting me plan and dream and hope and letting everyone watch me get excited about bringing new life into the world, only to take it all back and leave me behind broken and wounded. 

How am I supposed to go through an entire lifetime with this emptiness in my heart? How am I ever supposed to feel complete again? I hate having so many questions with no answers.

My arms ache for him. I fall asleep whispering his name and I wake up with the sting of the pain in my heart. I just want my baby boy. I want him so badly and I know there is nothing I can do to fulfill this need.

I love you, Ian. Last night I dreamed that you were still inside me and I could feel you moving, only to wake up and remember you are gone. I've cried more in the past 19 days than I have in my entire life, and I still have a lot more crying left to do. Please come visit me in my dreams tonight. I need you.

Momma loves you, little precious.

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