Monday, March 5, 2012

Yesterday daddy and I took your brothers to watch The Lorax. It was nice to hear them laugh. Daddy too. I tried my best to have a good time but the truth is all I thought about was you. I kept thinking that if you were there, you'd be snuggled up against my chest where I could keep you warm and protect you from the noise.

I miss you. I'm never going to get tired of saying that. I never knew I could miss someone like this. When we got home from the theater, I began to cry. It felt so strange being out as a family without you, because you ARE a part of this family.

I know I shouldn't torture myself with the what-ifs, but sometimes I can't help it. I'm in so much pain, I'm surprised I can function at all. The days seem so long, I don't know what to do with myself. This time was for you. I had seven glorious weeks off to be with you, but you're not here. And who was I kidding, anyway? I wasn't going to return to work. I wouldn't have been able to leave you. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm a mommy first.

A couple of days ago, I opened your box. I sobbed as I went through it. Daddy told me I shouldn't have opened it, but I needed to feel you close.

I still can't believe you're gone. I miss your somersaults inside my belly. I miss all the hopes and dreams I had for us. You're gone and I'm left behind with a broken heart and the residuals of your brief existence. A memory box, baby clothes, an empty bassinet, maternity bras I'll never wear, two breasts full of milk- all constant reminders that you were well on your way into our lives. You're still a part of our lives except now we'll have to go visit you at a cemetery. We'll never get to hear you giggle or watch you grow or hear you say "mamma" or "dadda" or have you wrap your little hand around my index finger....I could go on and on.

I never knew it was possible to hurt this badly. 

I love you, my little angel face.


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  1. Beautifully written. Hang in there, I know I say that all the time and it doesn't help. But people are pulling for you and are sending good thoughts and love your way!


  2. Mariana mi amiga del parte el alma no poder hacer nada para que no sientas lo que sientes. God is with you and I will keep you in my prayers. I know that your little angel will always be looking out for you and your family. Keep your head up and remember that you are loved and I am here if you need me ever. Take care.. STAR

  3. I cry for you everyday. I am so happy to hear you are getting out with your boys. Just keep going through the motions. Don't stop. Sometimes if we can just fake it through the day soon unwittingly we are not faking anymore. Sending love and prayers your way.


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