Saturday, March 3, 2012

I should've held you longer. I should've kissed you more. Words could never describe how much I miss you. This heartache is emotionally and physically painful. Sometimes, I hurt so bad, I feel paralyzed, like I can't move or talk. I just want to lay still and cry.

The first day I pumped your milk, I sat in our rocking chair, crying incessantly. That was your milk. Your food. It was meant for your perfect, little, soft mouth, not for a cold, hard, plastic cone. 

For many months, I had been looking forward to breastfeeding you. Daddy got us a beautiful rocking chair and I had pictured you nestled comfortably in my arms, freshly bathed, in a sky-blue cotton onesie, with your lips latched onto my breast, suckling mommy's milk.

It's been nine days since your birth and I can't help but wonder how many baths I would've given you by now or how many times you would've fallen asleep on my chest with our hearts side by side, beating in sync or how many pet-names I'd have for you. Your brothers know how much momma loves pet-names. Honey-bear, snuggle-muffin, sugar-plum...those are just a few of my favorite.

I miss you, angel. I keep trying to figure out why God needed you more than I did, but I suppose it really doesn't matter. Nothing will make this pain go away. I ache inside, every second of every day. It makes me angry and jealous when I think of all the mommas who got to leave the hospital with their precious, little bundles and I left with a memory box. I can't even bring myself to look inside the box yet. I know what's in it- some pictures, a cast of your sweet, tiny feet, a lock of your hair, your hand and foot prints, the only little outfit you ever wore, the blanket you were wrapped in....I just don't know how long it'll be before I have the courage to look at it. 

My sweet Ian, I want you to know momma loves you. I always did. When I found out you were coming, I was very confused and lost, but I always loved you. For the rest of my life, I will feel like something is missing. The day God decides to take me too, I will not be afraid, because I know you will be waiting for me and I will hold you and kiss you endlessly for all of eternity.

I love you, my little darling.



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  1. I'm very saddened by what has happened to you. I feel like I want to hug you and be there for you. I cannot put myself in your shoes but I have felt in a similar way. I will pray to God to please give you the strength to pass this difficult time. Your little angel will know you loved him very much. :( I'm deeply saddened by your loss. Muy condolences to you, your Husband, children and your family.


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