I Miss You

My last appointment before my c-section was today at 10:15. Last week when I made the appointment I would have never imagined I'd be at a funeral home instead.

It's hard to look down and not see my big pregnant belly. It wouldn't be so hard if I at least had my little angel to hold, but the cold, harsh truth is you're gone.

I keep going back to Wednesday night, when I was sitting on the couch, watching my belly wiggle into all sorts of odd shapes. Daddy had his hands on my bump and he was telling me how excited he was about getting to hold you soon. I could see the excitement in his eyes. And your brothers.....wow....they were counting down the days on the calendar. They were anxiously awaiting your arrival as well.

Thursday morning is such a blur. My back started hurting around 5a.m. I didn't think much of it because I was no stranger to aches and pains by this point. But this time it didn't get any better. It only started to get worse. I woke up daddy, called grandma and got ready to go to the hospital. I quickly threw a few things into the diaper bag daddy got us for Valentine's day, including a little pair of yellow duckie pajamas and we took off to the hospital. The pain was becoming more and more intense, and by this time I had realized you hadn't moved much since late Wednesday night. I started to pray for some movement, but it was hard to concentrate with the contractions getting stronger and stronger.

The second that nurse put the doppler on me and couldn't find a heartbeat- I knew. Finding it had never been a challenge and I knew you were gone. They quickly brought an ultrasound monitor and gave eachother strange looks. They were trying not to worry me, but I already knew.

They immediately prepared me for a c-section. Daddy sobbed as they pulled you out with your cord around your neck. I've never heard him cry like that. They put your little head by mine and let me kiss you. Your face still warm from my womb. You were so handsome.

I can't believe you're gone. I miss your kicks and flips inside me. Your things are in boxes in the corner of my closet. Grandma packed them away for me because she knew I wouldn't be able to stand the sight of them.

Right now, I'm angry. Angry that I never got to see your eyes. Angry that I never got to hear you cry. Angry that I have staples across my abdomen, but no baby to hold. Angry that you're gone.

I miss you. I hate that I had to sign your tiny body away to a funeral home today. Today, when I should have been making the last minute preparations for your arrival.

It hurts to say your name. It hurts to have to explain to your brothers that you're in heaven. It hurts to breathe. It hurts to want to hold you so badly. I feel so empty. My sight is clouded by tears 90% of the day. Your brothers know I'm hurting for you.

I love you Ian Daniel. I hope you know that. Daddy loves you too. We found out you were on your way at a very strange time in our lives. I was beyond shocked when I found out you were coming, but you brought me peace and joy.

My heart aches for you, my sweet baby. Even when I find a moment of peace, my heart throbs with pain. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I promise you, your short life will not be in vain. You have changed who I am forever. I will never be the same.

I love you.

See you in my dreams tonight my precious little piece of heaven.

Love,

Mommy

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Broken

It's 2:11 a.m. I took two sleeping pills, yet I am still awake.

I'm still trying to come to terms with what has happened. I keep going back to Thursday morning, wondering if there is anything I could've done differently to save my baby.

I carried him one day short of 39 weeks. He was full term. Ready to come out and live outside my womb. His clothes were all ready for him. His brothers were anxiously counting the days until his arrival.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way. He should've been home right now, ready for his 2 a.m. feeding. Latched onto my breast. Falling asleep in my arms. We were ready for him.

My arms feel so empty. I miss him. I miss his little kicks inside me. A piece of my heart is missing. I can't believe he's gone. I never even got to see his eyes.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this. The days go by so slowly. I need him.

I'm broken.

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When You Are Drowning Use Your Children As Floating Devices

There will be times in life in which you will feel like you are in the middle of the ocean, with nowhere to go, no one to help you, no hint of dry land in sight... Just little ol' you and the massive, cruel, cold waves of the ocean. And just when you think all is calm and you're gathering the strength and the energy to keep your head above the disgustingly salty sea water- BAM! outta nowhere, another wave will hit you over the head and drag you down as deep as oceanly possible, pounding on you so hard, it'll make you wish you were already dead, so that you wouldn't have to suffer through the unpredictable currents of life's oceans.

And you just want to cry and give up and whine about how unfair your life is. 

Then you remember that giving up is not an option, because you have little people who are watching your every move, depending on you, not only for all of life's basic necessities, but for love, support and comfort, as well. They will grow up and become YOU- the same you who let the waves of life win the battle or the YOU who fought back as hard as humanly possible even when the odds were against you.

Today, I sit in front of my computer monitor with a bag of frozen veggies on my face, in a desperate attempt to ease the pain caused by a toothache, my bank account is several hundreds of dollars overdrawn, the month of December starts tomorrow, bringing with it a whole new batch of bills and holiday expenses, my husband is unemployed and my growing belly is making it harder and harder for me to accomplish the simplest of tasks....but I know someone, somewhere has it ten times harder than I do and is managing to stay afloat.

I can turn around and see my babies quietly watching T.V. Some parents aren't as fortunate. They have to visit their children in hospitals and pray to God that they will make it through the night.

Tonight, when I feel like I'm drowning, with nowhere to go and nothing to hang on to, I will hang on tight to my babies and trust that they will bring me out to safety. They will show me what unconditional love looks like, even after I've taken out all of my frustrations on them. And they will find reasons to smile and make me smile with them, because they love me and they need to keep swimming, no matter what.

It's funny how I brought them to life thinking I would always be the one to protect them, and here they are, little as can be, helping me keep my head above water. So, bring on the waves! I've got secret, magic floating devices.

This 'life' thing...it's complicated stuff. Bittersweet. Sometimes a little more bitter than sweet. But who knows what tomorrow will bring? 

Words Will Come...

I'm pregnant. Fourteen weeks and two days, to be exact.

I'm blank and a little bit numb. I don't know how I feel about it yet. I'm sure deep (deep, deep, deep) inside I am thrilled. But on the surface I am still a bit confused. There are times when I completely forget about the little human growing inside me and I start to make plans for vacations and large purchases and then I realize that by then I'll be too fat to do anything. And then there are times when I sit in wonder if it'll be a boy or a girl and my mind gets extremely creative with potential names for both genders.

Things are complicated right now. Not exactly stable in more ways than one. I just started a job as a teller at Wells Fargo about three months ago and I had plans to go back to school and do so many things. Things that I had never had the opportunity to do because of my legal status and then because I had little boys who needed me or because I was always broke or tired or busy......and right when I was getting ready to branch out and make me proud of me, I get knocked up.

I suppose it will all be OK. It always has been.

I wanted to write more, but I am still blank.

Words will come....

If You Give A Girl A Green Card.....

She might ask for a driver's license. Her first one ever, even though she learned to drive a decade ago. She might also want a decent job. The kind that asks for a background check and all that fun stuff.

I've been having so much fun with my brand new legal status. Sure, it may sound lame to all you natural-born Americans, but I've never had this much freedom before and I'm loving on it. I've applied at dozens of places, just 'cause I [legally] can! and to my surprise, a couple of them have called me back.

Ooohhhh, it feels good to be legal. Not gonna lie, sometimes I wanna shout it out to random people on the street. Hey, you! guess what! I am a legal permanent resident! or when someone is rude to me on the phone or something, the first come-back that comes to mind is Well, you may be having a bad day and taking it out on me, but guess what!- I am a legal permanent resident bitch! Take that! *waves fist in the air* I'll bet they've never heard that one before.

And suddenly, the word legal has become my favorite word. Watch me throw it around thoughtlessly... and you can be 100% certain I smiled every single time I typed it. Tee-hee!

So, the past couple of legal months have been awesome. Except for the fact that my boys have been sick off and on for several weeks now. First, it was that pesky stomach bug. Now, the oldest is getting over bronchitis and the little one had a double ear infection. But, don't worry. Amoxicillin is making it all better. Legally.

Oh, and as of February 21st, I am legally 26 years young. Which means I am legally half-way through my twenties. Which also means it is time for me to re-examine all of my short-term / long-term goals, hopes and dreams. Here's a short list off the top of my head, including a few things I've already had the pleasure of legally doing:

• Buy my first beer, just 'cause I legally can [even though I don't drink]
• Order an alcoholic beverage at a restaurant just so they'll card me [even though I think fruity little alcoholic drinks are gross, but I drank it anyway, just so it wouldn't be a waste]
• Pass my written exam at the DMV
• Offer to show my green card to a potential employer, even though he didn't ask for it
• Purposely getting caught in an immigration checkpoint just so I can bust the card out
• Get a super cool job- One where I don't have to sneeze on rude people's food....not that I ever did that....
• Pretend I don't speak English, so that I don't stop feeling Mexican
• Pretend I don't speak Spanish, so that I feel more American
• Apply for financial aid and smile as I type in my social security number
• Sell long-stemmed roses by the freeway exit, so that I feel more Mexican
• Hold a cardboard sign by the freeway exit, so that I feel more American
• Shave my eyebrows and sharpie them in, then dye my hair brassy-blonde and let my dark roots grow out, so people will know that even though I'm legal, I still know who I am and where I came from
• Walk around town speaking with an English accent and look really confused when people ask me what part of England I'm from....just for shits and giggles

Ok, I'm only kidding on some of those, but if I really wanted to......legally......I could! Ah, what a wonderful addition to this country I will be :) And I'm just getting started!

Alright, so, girl has a green card... now girl needs a cookie to eat before going to bed. Goodnight. Have a very legal rest of the week.

Not Happily Ever After

I am human. Moms are human. As much as we'd love to be perfect for the sake of our babies, it's just not possible. I had a few of those less-than-perfect days last week. Allergies + a sore throat + chronic insomnia = one cranky mother of two. It was bad. My poor babies had to put up with my mood swings and my very short fuse. It got so bad at one point, I had to lock myself in the bathroom for a few minutes and just let it all out. When I came out, my eyes were red and my ego was shattered, but I managed to pull myself together and apologize to the little people for being a jerk to them.

"It's OK, it was an accident" Julian said as he threw his arms around my neck.


We have good days, we have bad days. That's life.

There is no such thing as happily ever after . Happiness comes in moments. Sometimes it may last a few days. Sometimes a few hours. Sometimes only a few minutes. But it goes as quickly as it comes. The trick is recognizing it when it arrives and savoring every precious second of it.

We all have troubles, bills, traumas, pasts, problems, things/ people who annoy us, etc... but there is no rule or law that says we have to dwell or focus on them. Life is short.

I think about the many years I wasted depressed. I got the professional help, I took the meds and I was still unhappy. I wished to die more times than I can count. I had to get sick and feel like my life was coming to an end for me to realize how amazing life is.

I spent many nights thinking about what my babies would do without their mother. I cried for all the times I actually thought their lives could be so much better without me and I begged Him for a second chance.

I had a hamper full of blood-drenched clothing, which sat their  for several days. After I came home from my second D&C, I didn't even think they'd be worth washing, because I thought the blood stains had surely set in by then. I threw them in the washer anyway, hoping to save a few things. To my amazement, every single stain came out. And it's not like these were little spots or anything. Half my wardrobe (the bottom half) was completely covered in blood. And they were all gone......I didn't even pre-treat!!!

Thank you Tide, for washing away the blood. Not only did you save me a whole bunch of money, but you gave me hope.........................................Hope that everything would be OK.

 I still have bad days, like every other human on this earth, but at least I don't dwell on it anymore. I take those moments of happiness and I engrave them into my soul. Whether it's something funny the kids said or finding a dollar in a dirty pair of jeans, I savor every second of it. I let it run through me and purify me, before it runs off and 'life' happens again. And when it goes, I don't say goodbye, I just say see you later, because I know it knows where to find me and that I'll be waiting with arms wide open.

Beauty is everywhere.

 You just have to pay attention. Look closely. Smile.

It's funny how the more susceptible we are to life's constant ups and downs, the more ups it seems to bring. Don't get discouraged when life brings you a whole bunch of downs all at once, though. Cry, think, sob a little if you need to, but as soon as that up makes an appearance, grab it!

Remember, life is short. Don't wait for a reminder from Him, to make every day count.

I Am Happy, Because...

Look at what I got in the mail on Saturday morning-

It's my notice to appear at my local ASC on October the 12th at 9am to have my biometrics taken. Yay! After that, it's one more interview to prove our marriage is legit (which should be quite obvious) and then I will be a legal permanent resident!

I am happy, because...

I decided to challenge my craftiness and try this super cute, baby shoe pattern found *HERE* and look what I made-

I love my boys, but sometimes I just have to do something that feeds the girlie side of my soul. Plus, I have a lot of girlfriends with baby girls, who probably wouldn't mind a pair of these.

I am happy, because...

I made these little felt strawberries and didn't know what to do with them afterward, but they sure look lovely around my pumpkin scented candle on my favorite Party Lite candle holder. Plus, they make great photo props. (see pic above)

I am happy, because...

I got sick of graham crackers and bought some Gourmet Maple Cream Cookies instead. Twice the price, but worth every penny. And they get extra points for being so darned cute! The boys loved them too!

Too bad they are 170 calories per serving (2 cookies).

Ah, it's the simple things in life that give me joy :)

Happy Blogging!

-M